Costco
memberships should not be given to the masses for they can lead to broken
relationships, bad decisions and a feeling of being run over by a Mack truck
once you look at your credit card statement and see a big Costco sum accompanied
by a feeling of “What did I buy and how did that happen?” feeling. It all
starts when you enter the parking lot trying to get as close as you can to the
entrance, while avoiding the zombie like creatures staggering around with heaps
of bulk food and electronic gadgetry balancing precariously in their carts.
They are unaware of the agitated motorists awaiting their spots as they are
still in their post purchase “Look what I found!” shopping high. Yesterday, I
found myself in Costco midday to buy a few essentials – poultry, bread etc. I
took the little coupon flyer from the kind Costco employee after she verified
my Gold Star membership and entered the arena. I simply cannot walk in a
straight line in Costco. I zigzag back and forth enticed by the silly insulated
drinking containers, thermal hiking socks of various colours, and the latest
cozy blankets which magically appear right near the entrance at the first sign
of a nip in the air. Gawd I love those…some with double lining, a myriad of
wonderful colours….imagine snuggling up to one of those by the fire with one of
those handy little tea sets that they have positioned nearby…After about
spending 20 minutes in the first corner of the store, I attempted to make it
down to the food section. Not to happen of course - you see, in MY Costco they
have the clothing right in the centre of the damn store. You cannot avoid it.
If you get there early, the brightly coloured garments are sitting in nice
neat piles and are just waiting to be upturned by the early birds. Funny thing
is – if something has been in Costco for at least a week, good luck finding
your size. My behaviour and opinions are directly related to the state of the
piles - if they are neat, I probably won’t find my size anyways, so I take a
quick look and carry on my merry way. If they are strewn about, if gives me
this wild sense that it must be some great, coveted item if so many people have
rifled through it, so I should probably dig in and see if I may score something
buried 2 feet down. I can just imagine how attractive I must look
digging and pitching things from left to right in hopes of scoring some
ridiculous, impulsive necessity.
When we go to Costco as a family, I always make the mistake
of telling the 3 boys to go and look at whatever they want, and we will catch
up later. Without fail, off they go with the cart while I do my quick visit to
the garment section, then make my way to the boring food section. What ALWAYS happens is that I start to perform this
annoying balancing act,as I begin to collect more and more items, and there is
surprisingly no cart with 3 boys running up to my rescue. The outcome is
usually 1 of two things – I find myself stomping all the way back to the
entrance to the electronics section where they are pawing at some new
technological advancement, or I am calling out to them as they stand clustered
about some food display tuning me out completely awaiting their rations.
This
is why yesterday, I went to Costco ALONE.
“Goat Cheese and apples?” offered the first lady with her
little paper cups nicely laid out with glops of this offering inside. “Hmmm…ok,
why not?” I offered as I reached for the sample. It was a wee bit messy, and I
am a very enthusiastic eater, so I mashed the whole thing into my face with
sheer delight (there were no forks to be had) and made sure that I got every
last bit of it. When I peeled the paper doily off my face, I noticed a small
scattering of onlookers studying my actions. Some were concerned, others couldn’t
wait to see what the hell I had just inhaled. With a job well done, off I went
to pick up a few things and truly get the heck out of there. “PShuuuuuuuuh! Flip,
flip!” “Oh what is this?” I asked politely of the bored young woman avoiding my
gaze…”Taquitos and chili sauce” Well…that cheese sampler was a bit small, and I
had not yet had lunch…”Thanks!” It was gone in a flash. Not bad really…ok...I
needed to pick up my pace. This was silly. As I rounded the corner, there was a
rather serious woman with nothing in her warmer. Only the bravest I noticed
would approach her. I left her alone and carried on. The box that she had on display
was that of some sort of quesadilla. Rounding the next corner, there was a
rather athletic looking guy slicing up gluten free cheese pizza. I marvelled to
myself at how obviously impeccable my timing was. I smashed it back in sheer
delight and was on my way. As I was in the dairy section, a rather peppy
employee marched past sporting a quesadilla as if it were a piece of gold.
Where did she get that? I spun my cart around and went back to Ms. Bitter. “Do
you have any of those?” I asked. 2 other women that were 10 feet back unsure of
how to apprach inched their carts forward with trepidation. The woman let out a
big sigh and said, “Uh…yesss.” She took one out and chopped it into a gazillion
pieces so that we would leave her alone. I took my prize, threw it down the
hatch all the while burning my face off. I wasn’t about to admit to her that it
was both nasty and painful tasting all at the same time. She probably would
have nailed me with her spatula. Ok…self- talk time. For heaven’s sake
Stephanie this is Costco! What are you doing? What have you become? And where
are you now? Ah yes! Back on task…I threw some dairy products in the cart and
got ready to make a beeline for the cash area. Why is that man looking so
intent over there? Wow…he is making that employee a little uncomfortable. You
know that look a dog has when it is wanting you to toss some scraps from the
dinner table? THAT’s the look her was sporting. Just ridiculous. Hmmm…what was
that smell? Kinda Italianish…savoury…oooooo…MEATBALLS! I stood beside him and
we both assumed the pose together. Gosh they looked good. The gal started
stabbing them with a meat thermometer hoping that they would cool quickly so
that she could launch them at us and send us on our merry way.
Nice Cheese appetizers, a couple of savoury mains…I could
really use something sweet right now! Fantastic!! Grapefruit slices in a cheap,
icky liquid! “Yes I’ll try one please.” I nodded poitely as she rattled off all
of the amazing things you could do with the grapefruits – including freezing
them, etc etc. Across the aisle, the Oigo yogurt looked inviting, but my ”moment
of consideration” got zapped when the employee minding the station
tapped another newbie’s hand for reaching over attempting to take one of the
little containers. “No! You must not do that!! You are not permitted to touch
the containers! You cannot do that!” Yikes, spell was truly broken for me.
Thank goodness my journey was winding up at the trash bags
and dog treats cause no one was sampling any of those things or else who knows
what the hell I would have done? I paid the unavoidable sum at the cash that I
ALWAYS seemed to arrive at and started to stagger out of the store. No idea
what was in the cart, but it was a pretty entertaining experience. Don’t you
love it when the door guards at the exit put the slash through your receipt
with the little marker as if they are really taking in EVERYTHING that you have
purchased? Not even a little smilely face on my receipt. Oh well, I couldn’t
feel too cheated as I had certainly had my fill and then some. Homeward bound
to unload my boxes and begin a whole new discovery of what I had just collected J
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